The canal is on.
August 14, 2009 | Updates
Written sometime towards the end of May 2009…)
You’d think they could send a little note with the city bill or call to tell me what day they will be turning the canal water on. You’d think a little notice would be the least they could do.
But they don’t.
This morning it was empty.
Tonight, it is running.
And so are my tears.
Nearly 4 years now. And every year, it’s the same. They turn on the canal and I fall apart. The memories flood back. My heart breaks again. And I worry. I worry for Nathan. Nathan who has healed me so very much. Nathan who tells me he “woves me too” everyday. Nathan who kisses and cuddles with me all day long. Nathan who is my sidekick. Nathan…who is so much like Samuel was.
How can I even explain it? He’s a totally different child and yet so much of him reminds me of Samuel. It’s this deep love within my heart that seems somehow intertwined with the pain of it all. And although I can and do enjoy every moment of him…it is a constant reminder of what was lost and of how quickly such things can happen.
There are a lot of tears tonight. Tears for my little boy who is still here, but trapped away in a little body that keeps him quiet. Tears for all the memories that have strengthened us and taught us, but that have also taken so much out of us. And tears of worry as I try to do all in my power to keep my littlest one safe from the dangers around him.
In the end, I wish I could do more to reduce the danger of the canal. I feel I’ve done all that I can - double locks on the doors, a fence, a double fenced play yard, lifejackets, our watchful eyes. But what I wouldn’t give to wake up one day and find a trash gate guarding the underpass Samuel washed through. Maybe one day, the powers that be, might see fit to do such a thing. Maybe if they could somehow see the value of the lives that could be saved by doing something so simple. Maybe…
Goodnight to you and may God keep you and your loved ones safe for there is nothing more important in this world.
Nothing.
Teresa
RSS feed for comments on this post.
TrackBack URI
August 14th, 2009 at 3:29 pm, Erin Says:
I want you to know how amazing I think you are! I know we never talk but your advice to me at the beginning of our journey about every day getting a little easier but still never getting over it still carries me through each day. Hard to believe that for us it’s been two years. I remember meeting you when you were at the two year mark and we were just home. Riley is now officially older than Colby was when he had his stroke. Everything she does from here on will be a milestone he never reaches. I’ve been struggling with it for weeks. But I keep telling myself that it will be ok and that we’ll make it another day. He will continue to progress just not at the same rate. Anyway I hope that makes sense. So much of what I feel about everything that happened is hard to put into words. But I just wanted to say thanks again for getting me through the hard days even if you don’t know your helping!
August 15th, 2009 at 8:06 am, Caradie and Corbin Says:
Teresa
Here’s a ****BIG**** hug.
Love ya hon
Caradie and Corbin
August 19th, 2009 at 1:38 pm, Natalie Says:
That picture is too sweet. I love it. I think of you every July and send many prayers and love your way. You guys are amazing.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:02 am, Darlene Says:
Teresa,
I just wanted you to know that I am here for you,your family and for Samuel. Sending you many warm hugs across the miles.
P.S. I just love the pic of Nate/Samuel it is just way to precious.