Archive for February, 2011

Near-Drown Conference/Retreat…

February 28, 2011 | Updates

Two days after we dropped Tanner off at the MTC, I boarded a plane for Seattle. I was headed to a conference/retreat for mothers of near-drown children. And although I was struggling with Tanner having left, I couldn’t have been more excited for what lay ahead of me that weekend.

I had heard about the retreat a few months before. And, honestly, I had said that it would be impossible for me to attend. I knew what the schedule would be from the end of October through November and there was just no way I could work this trip in. But then I started hearing of all the moms who were going to be there and I just couldn’t say “no”. These were moms that I had known for years online. Moms who had inspired me to keep going, to keep trying, to keep believing in my child. They were the mothers who had posted things on their websites that gave me direction and helped me to cope. And they were moms who had reached out to me when their children had drowned and asked me for help. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to meet them and to put real flesh to virtual faces. And so, I bought a plane ticket and made the plans and hoped that it would all work out. And it did!

The weekend was incredible. We talked and spent time together. We taught each other and learned. We were an inseperable group from the very start. We were instantly bound together by common experience. The things we have gone through have been hard. But we were finally in the company of others who had endured the same. To say it was incredible would be too little. It was like nothing I could have imagined. I made a group of lifelong friends in one small weekend. And now, I can’t wait to go again!

The fun stuff we did…took a trip to Pike’s Place Market, went shopping at the mall, visited Starbucks, saw the Space Needle, dined at the Cheesecake Factory, the local lodge and Ivan’s Fish Bar, sat in the hot tub, played Bunco and talked and talked and talked. I gained more usable knowledge in one weekend than I could have hoped for. It is on the suggestion of other mothers that I try the things I do with Samuel. What a wealth of knowledge to meet with these women and hear from them what they’ve tried, what has worked and what hasn’t. And now, we have our own facebook group where we can support and help each other all year long. It’s a sisterhood that I’ve needed for a long, long time…5 1/2 years to be exact. And I am so grateful to have these women in my life now…so grateful!

So, until next year, gals…

Shopping at the mall…

The baby of the group. (He was too young for his mom to leave behind.)

We got to meet Luke! son of one of the moms and a drowning survivor.

Feeding the seagulls behind Ivan’s Bar.

Wonderful things at Pike’s Place Market…

and yummy food!

The Space Needle…

Posted by admin @ 6:05 pm | 3 Comments

The Big Day - Tanner’s Mission Begins…

February 23, 2011 | Updates

I wrote this the day that Tanner left. I tend to be long winded, so you’re not required to read it all :), sorry for the length of it in advance.

November 10, 2010

It’s been 3 hours since we dropped Tanner off at the MTC (Mission Training Center). Three hours and I’ve cried 4 times. I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through the next 2 years.

We left around 9 am this morning. I was up until 5 am finishing up the packing for Tanner. I did a lot of things that weren’t entirely necessary, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. There’s something about knowing that your kid is leaving for 2 years that makes it impossible to sleep. Most of the things I did were simply to quiet the “mom” in me. I packed, ironed, made lists, checked lists, gather up information, charts, schedules, etc. It was all therapeutic for me. I needed to be doing something in those hours up to his leaving. I needed to be being his mom, I suppose.

Around 3 am, Tanner came down the stairs to the laundry room where I was ironing and we had the following conversation:

Tanner – “I can’t believe you’re still up!”
Me – “Oh, it’s no big deal. There’s no way I’d be able to sleep anyway. What are you doing up?
Tanner – “I guess I can’t sleep either. I just woke up for some reason.”
And then he started back up the stairs. But at the top, he turned around and came halfway back down. I couldn’t see him, but I could hear him.
Tanner – “Hey, mom? You do know that I notice all the little things you do for me? Like helping me with dances and my Eagle Scout and stuff like that. I really do notice and appreciate it all. I’m just too cool to say anything about it.”
Me – “Yes, I know.”

And then he was gone. And I cried a few tears because I do know, but hearing it is so nice. And I reflected again on just how old he is and just how quickly he’s grown up and just how very much I would miss him.

Early this morning, we drove straight to Draper where Melinda and Eric Adams own the Fotofly Studio and we had family pictures taken. It seemed like a crazy thing to be doing the morning he was leaving, but it’s been so busy that there just hasn’t been another time and I so wanted pictures of us together before he left. We got to the studio at 10:30 am and left around 11:30 am. We then went to In-n-Out Burger and ate lunch together. And then we drove toward Provo.

On the half-hour drive there, the pit in my stomach that had been growing since the afternoon before became larger. I could feel it creeping up on me as the moment came closer to let go of my son. I tried to think of anything I’d forgotten or anything I’d missed telling him. I grabbed some stamps out of my purse and gave them to him because I had forgotten that. We talked about splits he’d done with other missionaries and Tom teased him about Brazilian girls and missing out on snowmobiling.

And then it was so close. The GPS said we only had a few minutes before arriving. I told the kids we would have to quickly jump out and say our goodbyes. I’d never seen the MTC before, but it looked like any of the large buildings on the BYU campus when we arrived. However, as we rounded the corner and it came into view, I felt that same peace that I had felt the night before assuring me that Heavenly Father was taking my son and that I had nothing to worry about. A few older missionaries directed us to the drop off place. There were large numbered spaces at the curb that they filled in succession until they were all full and then they would start over again. We pulled into space 10 and jumped out.

There was a young missionary waiting there to greet us. He told us his name, although I don’t remember it. When Tanner stepped out of the car, the missionary said, “Welcome, Elder!” Tanner shook his hand and they started to talk. Tanner told him what mission he was headed to as we unloaded his baggage from the back. And then it was time.

Nathan said, “Bye, Tanner” as Tanner picked him up and hugged him good-bye. Nathan’s blue shirt was bright against Tanner’s dark suit and yellow tie. And for a moment, I could feel the bond between them and it broke my heart to let Tanner go. Then Tanner turned and hugged Wes and Ben. Tears welled up in both their eyes as they told their big brother good-bye. And then it was my turn. I reached up and put my arms around him and he hugged me tight. I felt my body begin to slightly shake and I didn’t know how I would ever let go. At that moment, I wondered what it must have been like for Heavenly Father to let his son go or even to let each one of us go when we left to come to this earth. As Tanner hugged me he said, in a perfectly calm voice, “I’ll write you as soon as I get a chance and I’ll call you on Christmas.” I told him I loved him and he said he loved me, too. The tears were so strong that I simply couldn’t say any more.

I held on as long as I could and then I backed away slightly and kissed him on the cheek. Then it was his Dad’s turn. They embraced and I looked away. I knew as the tears came to Tom, I wouldn’t be able to be in any sort of control of my own. And when I turned back, Tanner had begun to walk away. I watched him, with such a mix of feelings. My heart was breaking and I wanted to run and pull him back. But at the same time, my heart was bursting with such a great joy for what he was accomplishing. He walked away so confidently – his gray pants, dark suit coat, red backpack, black suitcase and blonde hair. I think it is that blonde hair that I will always remember. The same blonde hair that bobbed into the sealing room in the Logan temple 16 years ago to be sealed for time and all eternity to Tom and myself.

He walked away with such confidence – talking to the new missionary he had just met. And he didn’t look back, which I was grateful for. It spoke of his conviction, determination and faith. It spoke volumes of his courage and his knowledge that he is exactly where he should be. And Tom said to me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so good.” And he was right.

I cried for awhile in the car. Tom cried longer. And Ben and Wes cried for quite some time. I think it was Wes who cried the most. And as we drove away, I silently petitioned my Heavenly Father to let Him know that I was giving Him my son and that I prayed He would care for him. And once again, as He has so many times in the past few days, He reminded me that He loves Tanner so much more than I do and that He will be on his right hand and on his left and that He will take better care of him than I ever could. I am so grateful for that peace, because without it, I could not endure seeing him go.

We stopped at Costco to return some things and as I stood in line, the tears came again. I started to realize how long 2 years is and the weight of it hit me hard. We then stopped to pick up the pictures we’d had taken and drove the rest of the way home. I talked for awhile remembering funny little stories of Tanner when he was younger –
The time he ran into the stop sign (with his head),
The time he got stitches from having a rock fight.
The time he threw the horse shoe in the air and it came back down and hit him on the head.
The big party we held for him at our new home the year he turned six.
The time he rode his trike away from our home and down the block towards mainstreet.
The way he woke up 12 times a night searching for his binky when he was small until I finally had to call the pediatrician for ideas on what to do.
And then I slept the rest of the way home – so tired from the night before. But when we entered the gates of the yard, I saw Tanner’s jeep and instinctively, my mind wondered where he was. When I remembered, the tears came again, only harder than ever this time. His phone on the kitchen counter. His jacket on the floor in his closet. His Halloween candy sitting by the bed. One lonely sock on the floor in his room.

And now it’s not just the fact that he is gone for 2 years, but it is the fact that he’s no longer my little boy. He’ll never live in this house again for extended periods of time. He’ll come home and embark out on his own. And I just don’t know when it happened. He’s always been my little boy and now that time is gone and just like they always say, I wish I’d taken more advantage of it. It’s so strange to be proud and excited as they grow and accomplish and at the same time, desire them to stay young. I guess it’s just one of those things that conflicts itself all throughout our lives.

This is going to be hard for me…harder than I thought. But I know that all will be well. And I know that he is where he needs to be. And most of all, I know he’s going to be happy doing what he’s been called to do. And I’m sure that the tears will subside…at some point.

Today has been a day that I will always remember. Today is the day my oldest son grew up. And it seems like in an instant he went from being mine to being his own self. I love him more than I can ever express. And that will never, ever change.

I love you, Tanner. And I’ll be praying for you each.and.every.day.

Love,

Mom

Posted by admin @ 5:13 pm | 5 Comments

The Race for Home…

February 22, 2011 | Updates

November 6th - Another 4 hours of ABR training and then we headed to the Great Balloon Park in Orange County, California, where they give free balloon rides to visitors. Somehow, we ended up being about 5 minutes late for the afternoon ride. So, we had to wait 3 hours until the evening flight. It was a really.long.wait! It was still fun, though. They had a free carousel for the kids to ride and a cute playground. We entertained ourselves and even borrowed a football from the office to keep ourselves busy. In the end, the ride was pretty cool - 400 feet up in a helium balloon. (Yes, it’s helium, not hot air.) It was even handicapped accessible so Samuel got to go!

A darling picture with the carousel in the background…

Playing in the park…

Trying desperately to entertain ourselves…

The Great Park Balloon…

It was quite the view from way up there!

November 7th - Another 4 hours of ABR training and then, guess what we did? Yup, we loaded up the car and drove all the freakin way home. It wasn’t ideal, but we really had no choice. I couldn’t get the ABR dates changed and Tanner had to leave on the 10th. I needed at least a few days home to get him packed and ready, so we drove straight through. It’s like a 12 hour drive if you don’t stop once. It took us more around 14 or 15 hours. I wouldn’t ever want to do it again. But it wasn’t as bad as it could have been considering the fact that there were 8 of us packed in that Suburban with A LOT of stuff and 2 of those people were Samuel and Nathan. It could have been worse, that’s for sure.

We arrived home around 4 am and the next morning, we all headed off to school and work…except Tanner…he had a bunch of packing to do! It was crazy all the way around, but it was a ton of fun and one last fling before Tanner left. Plus, it was all for a good cause since we got our ABR training in for the next 6 months!

What an adventure!

Posted by admin @ 9:04 pm | Comments

ABR Training Marathon…

February 21, 2011 | Updates

November 5th - Kelsey and I attended 8 hours of ABR training while Tom and the older kids headed off to Six Flags. Their adventure turned out to be not worth the time, effort or money because, unlike Disneyland and California Adventure, Six Flags ended up being completely packed.

Kelsey and I were pretty worn out as well by the end of the day. We spent from 9 am to 7 pm at a hotel where we didn’t have a room. ABR was being held at different hotel than the one where we were staying. At one point, we had a 4 hour break between sessions. We didn’t have a car, so we walked around the block for lunch. When we got back, we asked if we could sit by the pool until our next session started. It actually worked out pretty well because the weather was nice and Samuel took a good nap. BUT…I had forgotten to bring Nathan’s life jacket on the trip with us and he nearly gave me a heart attack by falling in the pool. Seriously.

Nathan fell in the pool as we were walking from the entrance gate to the deck chairs. I’m walking along, pushing Samuel, Nathan’s behind me, and all of a sudden, I hear a splash. I turn around to see Nathan fully clothed, drenched and hanging onto the side of the pool. Yikes! So, I grab him, change his clothes and vow to keep a really good eye on him (not that I wouldn’t have anyway, it was just a little unnerving). A few hours later, some other kids come into the pool area and start jumping in and swimming in the pool. I’m sitting right next to the edge of the pool, with Nathan right in front of me, as I read a book. Kids are jumping in the pool all over the place, again and again. I see a kid jump in the pool out of the corner of my eye, hear a splash, and assume that it’s one of the older kids playing in the pool. There isn’t another sound after that. And then I realize, that kid came right from the spot that Nathan was just in. So, I drop my book, look down and there is Nathan, floating in the water, completely still. Don’t worry, it hadn’t even been a full 2 seconds since he’d jumped in. I grabbed him and pulled him out and he just breathed in a deep breath and was fine. He hadn’t even had time to swallow any water or anything.

Why do I tell this story, though? Because I’ve always heard that drownings are silent and I’ve never understood that. You assume that children will splash and struggle if they are drowning and you’ll hear them. It isn’t true, though. The only sound was Nathan jumping in. After that, there was nothing. If I hadn’t looked up; if I had continued to assume it was another child; it could have been an awful thing. So, I’m testifying to you that it’s true. Drownings are silent. And they can happen anywhere, at any time, to anyone. Believe me, we know.

And guess what? Nathan gets to take swimming lessons this summer because my heart can only take so much terror :).

So that’s the lesson for today. I’ll finish up the trip stories in my next post.

Posted by admin @ 7:26 pm | 1 Comment

A Day at the Beach…

February 19, 2011 | Updates

November 4th - We spent at Huntington Beach. Honestly, this day was right up there with the days at Disneyland. The weather was PERFECT! The high was 90 that day. The wind was warm. The sun was warm. The water was a little chilly, but the kids didn’t mind. The sand was soft and warm under our feet. And the picture opportunities…endless. I could have stayed there for AGES! We spent the day on the beach and walked the long pier that evening to eat dinner in the cafe there. Seashells, sun, sand, warm breezes, good food…it was my kind of day.

This is going to be picture overkill, but here goes…

The waves…

So fun!!!

The cutest feet in the world…just chilling on the beach.

Finding the right seashell…

Building sand castles…

Letting your brothers make you into a mermaid!

A picture of me??? (Come on, look close, you can find me.)

Taking a break from surfing (or at least trying to surf).

Me again!

Seaweed whips…

Dipping their Sea World toys in the ocean…

Tiny boy…big world…

Samuel enjoying the ocean breeze… (oh, look, me again!) Don’t worry. I’m not infatuated with myself. I just realized when I got home that there were no pictures of me this day. I guess that’s what happens when you’re the photographer :).